West Kilbride

(23rd March 2002)

Freens go doon the watter

Adverse weather forecasts once more had to give way to the power of the Freens meteorological influence and we were blessed with an effulgent morning and an afternoon perfect for golf. The course was a beautifully sited layout and a relatively flat, easy walk. The Freens answer to a Cray supercomputer, viz. The Rees Abacus, did not avail against the golfing skills of guest C. Wood who triumphed in some style by finishing second in the morning and sweeping the afternoon in spite of a fine gross 75 by DK.

Highlights

• First sighting of a mermaid at a Freens March outing;
• Outstanding sucess on 35th hole by DJR;
• Initial news that we were to be playing on 18 temporary greens turns out not to be correct as pro thinks better of taking on an aggrieved Invernessian in pursuit of a discount;
• Said C. Wood meets Barney for the first time and finds balm in the novel sensation of being serenaded round a golf course for 36 holes;
• Muir in contemplative mode reflecting that he had always considered Ken Holmes' dog had an easy life until he compared it to that of his own offspring;
• Friendly staff and outstanding soup at lunchtime for those who had time to eat it.

Lowlights

• "Eggs is aff" - no fried eggs on rolls allowed before 10.30 (well - it is a golf club);
• Freens version of Dubai Desert Classic - heavily sanded greens in anticipation of Scottish Boys the following week;
• DJR's first 34 holes (see 2. Above);
• Late arrival of BJ and Juggy and return home of same via Ardrossan;
• Young couple out for a quiet evening drink in the clubhouse bar having a ringside seat for graphic demonstration (with full volume commentary) from Barney of Sergio Garcia's pressure relieving tactics.

Drumpellier

(10th May 2002)

Erick's postillion is struck by lightning!

The weather had been poor in the days leading up to the outing, but we had decent fair weather, if not too bright. The course was in excellent condition with good, quick greens and. although still a bit damp underfoot. at least it did not justify the opinion of a native guide that it would be "swummin'". As so often in the past. it was once more the turn of that dashing Irish blade, Sir Philip of the Perilous Pustule, who laid waste the opposition with a typically cavalier display of strokemaking; made all the more remarkable by his employing the cunning device of starting his afternoon round with a sextuple bogey 10. Well done, Phil.

Highlights

• Erick's postillion (aka E. Dyce, soi-disant Edinburgh lawyer) being engaged in earnest legal debate by eagle eyed greenkeeper who spotted a serious and wilful case of jayriding. Greenkeeper believed to have won;
• Erick smiling in the afternoon - now a recreational golfer;
• DJ achieving a win and a draw against Ewen;
• JM missing short eagle putt in morning round;
• Good catering - in particular, choice of rolls offered with excellent soup at lunch and caramel apple granny to round off high tea;

Lowlights

• JM's failure to listen to clear and simple directions on how to get to course and resultant late arrival;
• Being offered a look at Phil's plook and subsequent discussion of sebaceous cysts we have known;
• JM having to be physically restrained on 36th tee from completing a consecutive hat trick of shots fired through match ahead;
• After a fine, long, fairway splitting drive, Phil's 8 iron from about 80 yards which was last seen passing the boundary fence at an ever increasing height in the direction of a distant housing estate;

Sorry, no illustrations this time

Charleton

(7th June 2002)

Crime does pay

This outing was controversially re-arranged from its original date to suit the convenience of one of our older members. The result was that it took place in poor weather conditions on a course in excellent condition with fiendish greens which proved too much even for Mr. Davidson. The outcome proved that there is a twisted intelligence looking after the workings of this world because the old member was triumphant. DP romped home by a comfortable margin from Leo who had managed to make the date at great personal inconvenience. It has been suggested this turn of events puts DP on the same moral plane as JM - surely not!

Highlights

• Beckham's cunningly placed penalty kick which deceived the Argentinian keeper and ensured England's place in the next phase of the World Cup;
• Good news on the mobile from Wardie Dell where our Welshest member is enjoying a quiet day's convalescence ministered to by the fair Caroline;
• Long lunch enjoyed in the proper spirit by all Freens but one;

Lowlights 

• Beckham's cunningly placed penalty kick which deceived the Argentinian keeper and ensured England's place in the next phase of the World Cup;
• Bob the Implanter talking obscurely about visits to "Laptop" clubs - the man is clearly getting too high tech for his own good;
• JM taking the afternoon too seriously by having two coffees instead of alcohol;
• Your webmaster not taking the afternoon seriously enough and, as a result, falling over while lining up a putt on the 4th green before carefully four putting same;

Sorry, no illustrations this time

Auchterarder & St. Andrew's Bay

Jeux sans frontières

Freens left the central belt with hearts, as ever, full of hope in spite of the torrential rain. Flooded roads, however, were an all too accurate harbinger of the scene awaiting at Auchterarder, which proved to be a very pleasant course definitely worth another visit on a better day. In spite of pools and/or rivers on every green two thirds of the contingent completed the course and our own Paul Lawrie powered to the front in the shape of Robin. Course closure caused relocation to St. Andrew's Bay where Leo triumphed and did enough to carry the entire day (as to which see below).

Highlights

• In gloom at Auchterarder, as the first match was about to start, Freens at Clubhouse noticed the almost luminous, white appendage to DK's manly visage - and striking resemblance to Uncle Albert in 'Only Fools and Horses' remarked upon;
• Professional at Auchterarder happy to concede reduced green fee of only £10 for those who completed the round following persuasive visit by Freens' very own good cop/bad cop duo in the shape of Leo and Doog;
• Four greenkeepers busily employed in pouring rain raking a gravel path approximately 5 square yards in extent;
• First Presentation of prizes in a fish and chip shop;
• Leo on 1st at Auchterarder hitting his tee shot behind wall crossing the fairway, declaring his ball lost then hitting his second tee shot into the rough, half the distance of his first (but he won the day!?).

Lowlights 

• Demented wanabe Stuart Hall providing sound track for first dozen holes at St. Andrew's Bay;
• C. Wood accused of reversing up a hill, without a car and without due care and attention and so causing J. Muir to part company with his fish supper (fish subsequently recovered and consumed with evident relish by JM). Pitiful sight of said C. Wood standing beside the harbour at Pittenweem sadly eating his chips and saying "John says I made him drop his fish supper!";
• Leo, no doubt under the influence of an adrenalin high following his highly improbable victory, attempting to jump the queue in the Pittenweem Chippie under the pretext of only wanting a tube of Smarties (attempt swiftly repulsed by wee lassie behind the counter);
• Wood suffering from low blood sugar levels as a result of earlier accident asked JM (on speaking terms again) to get him a Cadbury's Fruit & Nut with following result: (JM) - "Could I have a bar of Fruit & Nut, please?" (Wee Lassie) "Sorry, we don't have any!" (JM) "Yes you do. There's one in the glass case there!" (WL) "No, that's not for sale!" (JM) "Whaddya mean it's not for sale??". At this point an older lady behind the counter, no doubt a veteran of encounters with drunken, salty tars in the Chippie, could see that events were about to take an ugly turn and with a dazzling display which combined speed and grace of movement with acute diplomatic acumen dived into a nearby fridge and pulled out two Dairy Milks which she waved under Muir's quivering nostrils. Not exactly the Cuban missile crisis, but a nasty moment all the same. 

(30th August 2002)

Cruden Bay, Newmachar and Newburgh

(20th - 22nd September 2002)

Likely Loons in the Garioch

Flightless Freens made their way north to what has been a popular venue in the past. 

Highlights

• Outstanding hospitality shown to Jack McDonald at all venues. Chatting with Captain at Cruden Bay after being taken, Queen Mother-like. round the course on a buggy; being well looked after at Newmachar and Newburgh, and having a trip to Peterhead for tea with a Geordie priest!
• Welcome new weekend guests, Iain Armstrong and Lawrance Reilly.
• Guest appearance by first Freens' spouse in the form of the fair Caroline.
• Residents of Udny Arms held spellbound and begging for more by the prestidigitation and stage presence of our very own D.J. Rees (David Nixon, whaur are ye noo?)
• Big course at Newmachar discovered to have improved immeasurably since Freens' last visit to such an extent that it met with the approval of DP who managed to make a modest appearance on the leader board of the Newmachar Open;
• Doug recovering from Sunday low - see 2, below.

Lowlights 

• Swailend course at Newmachar being a hell of an up and downhill slog - not the best way to spend the second afternoon of a Freens' weekend;
• Fourth hole at Newburgh (short par four with severely sloping green) - Doug seen to hit his second shot to approximately 20 feet above the hole and a little later observed striking his second putt from about 30 feet below the hole and getting down in two more blows - when asked how he was enjoying the venue responded "Not impressed!";
• Guest spouse (see above) similarly unimpressed by poor post-prandial performance of massed Freens (judgement perhaps coloured by her sitting beside snoring Armstrong):

Baltimore

(25th September to 2nd October 2002)

Barney versus the immigrants!

Jet setting Freens (and hangers on) make first international excursion to beautiful (but not hilly) Maryland at the invitation (like a reverse charge 'phone call) of U.S. Dick. Arrangements made by Dick were excellent - a stimulating mixture of golf on excellent courses, cultural visits and very welcoming hosts. 

Highlights

• Barney verbally abusing a particular American who claimed, like Barney, to be Irish and who was told for his trouble that he was not, he was a bloody American;
• Severely underdressed Freens' attendance at the Green Spring Valley Hunt Club for a Bull Roast held by the University of Virginia Alumni Association (see also 1. above). Freens in baggy shorts, T shirts and baseball cap giving an ethnic touch to an assemblage otherwise dully garbed in blazers and cocktail dresses;
• Webmaster's failure to recall more at the moment - please let me have recollections!!

Lowlights 

• ? There is no doubt about numero uno here. It was Dick's hole-in-one - only the third in Freens' history - at the 17th hole on the main course at Baltimore Country Club on the last day. Suggestion at the time that a 3 iron did the deed, but by now it is probably an 8. Whatever the weapon, however, it was a stirring deed which has entered the annals and will be appropriately marked in 2003 when, we hope, Dick will make a return visit to these shores;
• ? Amidst a sea of warm hospitality the particular kindness and friendship of the Judge and his lady, Gen, culminating in an excellent Sunday morning on his deck watching the closing stages of the Ryder Cup;
• ? Guest appearance by Dick Hirst who rode shotgun on Dr. Bob;
• ? Excellent golf courses with the palm going to the main course at Baltimore C.C. (in the opinion of those who can tell what is a good golf hole);

Craigielaw

Class courses produce class winners

The names of Craigielaw and Rees have entered the golfing annals like St. Andrews and Tom Morris, Augusta and Faldo, Muirfield and Nicklaus a great venue which brings out and complements the talents of a great golfer. It was, therefore, a matter scarcely worth reporting that when the Freens convened once more at this latest jewel in the East Lothian crown it was DJ who carried off the spoils in convincing style.

Highlights

• The Freens were joined for the day by His Excellency the Irish Ambassador to Malaysia, Thailand and Vietnam, (and later in London and now - 2020 - Washington (God help him)) a.k.a Dan Mulhall, who proved as ever to be good company in golfing conditions quite far removed from those to which he had recently become accustomed;
• There is some dispute as to whether this belongs in this category or the one below; I leave the reader to judge on the basis of the facts laid out. The event referred to was the meeting of the said Ambassador and Barney (later referred to by His Excellency as the Irish Anti-Ambassador). Those who know him will feel it made no difference to the course of the conversation, but there was undoubtedly an added element of piquancy in the fact that Barney did not know who Dan was before he launched into his well known spiel (see Baltimore report) on how wet, poor; bigotted etc., etc. Ireland was and how it is something of a mystery that anybody could choose to stay there. Mr. Mulhall's diplomatic resources were strained to the uttermost, but stood the test;

Lowlights 

• Surprising discovery that in spite of his manifold golfing talents Rees is actually a shallow person who can be easily seduced away from his regular lift by the offer of a ride in a Mercedes Coupé, but who had the gall to request a lift home when said coupé was no longer available. A man with the divot in his gift would be holding this one close to his heart;
• Erick's continuing debility. We wish him a full recovery as quickly as possible;

(25th October 2002)

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